Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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