im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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