Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
