Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
