I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize