you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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