my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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