Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
