i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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