I'm going to jail i love you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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