I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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