you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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