You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
