I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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