I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
