a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
