god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
