You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
