I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just cropdusted the office
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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