The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
