im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
