Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
