just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
