fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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