if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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