remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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