we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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