I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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