Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
