never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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