well you can't waste a boner
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
