So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
