you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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