well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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