I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
