So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
