Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
