Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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