If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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