i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
