She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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