If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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