she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
