he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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