Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
