I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
