After last night, I could never be a politician.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
