miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
