Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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