It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
