I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
