Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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