Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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