I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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