How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
