He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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