JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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