I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
